Humming in the Hallway

First off- thank you so much to those of you who have encouraged me in text, with scripture, and through prayer. Thank you to those of you who have taken the time to call, email and FB message me in the past week. It has meant so much to me that you have taken the time to support me in this crazy beginning of my teaching "life"... because it's more than a job... it's more than a career... it may just be a season... but it is certainly becoming my life. I go to sleep, wake up, eat, play, shop, read, shower, clean, all with my kids on my mind.

I went to school exhausted this morning, weak and tired. I called out to some dear people in my "net" (a term I am taking/borrowing/having for myself, but giving complete credit to Kelle Hampton - kellehampton.com) at 7am and was quickly overwhelmed with love and support. I was encouraged by truth... to not fear because I'm not alone... reminded that I would be helped and I would be upheld... that the God of hope would fill me with joy and peace... prayers that I would abound in hope... humbly captivated that He does increase the power of the weak and on Him is where I'm to lean.

And we... our little family who lives daily life in room 201... had an awesome day today. Mind you, 2 of our friends were absent, but still... I was so proud. I tried new things and stopped (after 7 days, or less) "old" things and hoped for the best. I moved desks and rearranged a lot in our room yesterday after school hoping to better create the "perfect" space for them... and me.

Today

1 - the number of times I called the office
2 - the number of criers, one out of anger and the other out of sadness
3 - the number of kids who had to take breaks away from the large group
4 - the number of kids I kept in from recess

And yet, despite this ironic number thing I discovered as I reflected about my day - this day was good. I feel like we had a turning point in our class. We talked about how I'm like the mama and they're my kids... how we are to speak and act kindly... how we're to care for another... and with all of that we're just going to connect with one another. We respect and we honor and we show love. I didn't exactly use all of these terms, but this is where my heart was at in speaking what I spoke to and over them.

I stopped 2 separate almost fights, holding tight and whispering into the ear of one of my little men to be the better person and to make the right choice... calming him and encouraging him to unclench his fists. I refocused him to be a helper and he did a total 180 in his behavior... at least for the next 10 minutes anyway ;) And 10 minutes... if that is all I get, I.will.take.it.

I was careful to declare this day the best day ever at lunch... out of fear that the afternoon would pull me in and I would drown. I was careful to declare this day the best day ever at 2 in the afternoon when I dropped my kids off at Art... out of fear that our last 30 minutes before dismissal would be miserable despite our so-far-amazing day. At the end of the day, I determined it safe to in fact declare this day to be the best day ever (so far!). And yea, we still have a lot of work to do... but my hope has been renewed. I am making connections with these fast-beating tender hearts, some of which are in a lot of strife... slowly but surely.

Hug me. Love me. Listen to me. Don't yell at me. Make me smile. Make me laugh. Teach me. Help me. Show me how. Be patient with me. Don't leave me. Stay close to me. Be my family.

Their hearts are crying out... I hear it in their actions, tones, and whines.

(tutor comes in to assist me today)
(boy goes to pout in corner)
Me: What's wrong? Come to your seat... I'm going to help you.
Him: Are you going to leave now?
Me: No, why?
Him: She came in.
Me: I'm not leaving, she just came to help us.
Him: (smiles) Okay.
(walks with me to his seat and starts to work.

Today was just good. I know they need me... and I need them. Just like I need you. Because the Lord wants to grow me... and yes, this pruning process is so difficult. With a humble spirit and an attitude of wanting to simply love well, no matter how exhausted I might feel, I will walk through the doors of room 201 every day, ready... to give my everything... and to make a difference. And when I walk in the hallways, I may just hum, because I did that this afternoon as I soaked in the joy of the Lord that was my strength. How faithful and good of a God we serve.

Once again, thank you. If you're reading this, you have probably made a difference somehow or someway in my life and I am so grateful... your prayers and thoughts really do make a difference in my life so thank you.

I Won't Give Up

My days consist of listening to... singing... dancing to... praying... and living this:

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

Coming Up for Air

Yesterday, I cried. A lot. Every time I thought of how the day went, I cried. I felt that I had no control over the 22 little babes in my room. Even though 2/3 were doing what they were supposed to, one was slithering around on the floor... another yelling for people to stop looking at him... others pushing their desks into the desks of those who sit across from them. I also held two students back in two separate almost fights.

At the end of the day, I was exhausted. I had the worst headache I've had in a long time. And just because I have the (awful) habit of stepping on the scale every morning, I noticed I lost 3 pounds yesterday.

Stressed. Out.

Good thing though- I am surrounded by teachers. I am always encouraged and always inspired to do better, to keep trying, and have the privilege of seeing models of firm interactions.

Yesterday I was drowning and thinking over and over again, "I can't do this..."

But it was the support from other teachers in my life who helped to pull me up for some air. My principal offered me tissues to dry my eyes, teacher friends hugged me tight and reminded me of the good that I have to offer, and teachers in my building who spoke truth into the situations and told me to not take students' behavior personally or stress about it.

My sole desire is to make a difference in these students' lives. To teach them the right behaviors, to give them knowledge, to train them up in the way they should go. But we're going to do this taking baby steps... because these 7 year olds are really just babies. Their hearts are so delicate and waiting to be shaped and I want to do it well. And do it well for every student, not just the ones who sit respectively and engage in lessons. For the ones who stand on their chairs, for the ones who bang on their desks, for the ones who leave the classroom simply just because, for the ones who slither around on the floor like a snake and distract everyone from learning, for the ones who are so defiant... I want to touch their hearts and souls with a new truth, a new hope, and call them out to be better.

At least I know though that on my drowning days, someone from my support system is going to throw me a lifesaving ring and I'll be able to come up for some air. I may cry a lot these next few weeks, months or even the whole year and I know for certain that I can't do this... but what the truth of the situation really is, is that I can't do this alone...

Students Talk (about me)

"She smells like chocolate!"
"Maybe she was drinking something?!"
"I don't see any drink on her desk..."

Making A Connection

A Disappointing Interaction

(Take crayons and pencils away)
That is not what we're doing right now.
Close your desk.
If you can't handle sitting at your desk, I will take it away.
(Take desk away)
If you can't sit in your chair the right way, I will take it away too.
Student lays across the seat of the chair and slouches in sitting position.
You need to sit up.
Student mumbles.
What are you mumbling about?
Student mumbles more and finishes with the word b!($#.
Who are you calling that name?
You.
We do not use that word at school.
I can say it whenever I want at home.
Great, when you go home, say it whenever you want. But not at school.
I've been saying it since I was a kid.
Well, you still are a kid and we do not talk that way.
Student glares at me.
I need you to stand up and go sit down over there on the floor.
You can't make me.
You're right, I can't... but I am asking you and I hope you choose to listen.
Picks up a pencil from the desk... I am going to break this.
That isn't necessary...
Student snaps a pencil in half.
That's sad because that was one of your pencils that I took away.
Student makes sure to take a pencil that isn't theirs and breaks it.

Taking the Time 

I addressed the whole class and instructed them to complete the next activity for the day once they were finished with the current one and then pulled my pencil-breaking-swearing student aside. I told this student that I want to know them to which they responded, "Why?! I don't know you!" "You are right, but I want you to know me too." We talked for a few minutes and I learned what they like and don't like and listened attentively (redirecting the class when they got a little noisy) as this student barely answered my gentle and kindly asked questions with full-on attitude and arms crossed. I talked about respect and allowing them to do what they want after they've done what I've asked them to do. I asked if they were ready to sit in their chair the right way, at their desk the right way, and follow my directions. After a glare and a nod, I moved the desk back as the student sat down and started to work.

Evidence

We had a great afternoon... and no problems arose. The student smiled once during an interaction we had. During dismissal, the student left to walk home and I said, "See you tomorrow" with a smile. No more than 2 minutes later, the student returned to me from behind and gave me a hug. I squeezed them back... and was speechless.




*** The next day, this student was writing on their name tag across the top center of the desk... I walked over and saw that they had written a different swear word in 3 of the polka dots of the design. I said, "I need you to erase that." Without any attitude or argument, the student flipped their pencil upside down and erased the words.
*** Two days later, this student gave me one of their "special" pencils and said, "You can keep this."

Our First Day

What I Felt
I had so many emotions leading up to and during our first day together... I was nervous, excited, impatient, overwhelmed, blessed, and ready to welcome over 20 little people into a space that I created just for them.

What I Loved
I loved greeting each student at the door, introducing myself as I shook their hand, welcoming them to second grade.

I loved learning about who they are, what they like and what they don't like.

I got my first hug from a sweet little girl with braids and beads and no front teeth.

What We Did
We learned rules and some procedures, did some coloring and math work, practiced the pledge, and wrote our numbers up to 50. (I love that many of the skills we will teach this year will build upon the knowledge and skills that the students already have!)

What I Learned
I'm realizing that these babes are still just little first graders... and they really are so little. Their feet don't even touch the floor as they sit in their chairs at their desks.

They love when I read them stories and when we play games.

All of a sudden, I have 22 kids to mother, teach and care for 30 hours a week.

Everyone's name.

I don't even notice my blank bulletin boards and empty wall spaces when all my little loves are in the room.

I'm about to give them my everything and I will for sure be talking about them all of the time.